Archive for the Timely Category

it no flat no mo

Posted in Timely on June 27, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Surfers of fortune “discovered” that the wave has begun its merry churn towards delightfully rippable. Unfortunately, it will take a lot of rope trimming and hedge shaping to prevent it from another slide to pancake status. Tough work for the tradesmen, but it can be rewarding, especially for the community. And you! Yeah you. You are aware the rope was 100% responsible for the disappearance of the wave? Paddling can be an asset in surfing, I’ve heard, and the best tip for catching this habitat 67 static wave; “fish oil second only to duck when it comes to wave slithering.” Line up to get down, yo.

A slight rehash of the 7am wave report:
Bird Rage: 7/10 – the chicks musta hatched, not a single talon-to-scalp strike.
Water Quality: 2/10 – full on garbage soup with a hint of rotten onion.
Crowd: 10/10 – champagne, cocaine and peelers, for it was a celebration.
Wave: 9/10 – shake it if you’ve got it.

stacks on deck; patron on ice; we can pop bottles all night



Posted in Timely on March 13, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Or commoner.

Wished to surf Sunday, but arrived to see a little too much ice floe and a late winter crowd of three. One chap even had a bottle of Gatorade and a Hitleresque mile end ‘stache. He was in for the long haul. Maybe even a record? Defaulted to a sunriser munday a.m.. For those who fear available-online river level charts, wave quality is somewhat lacking, but the sun is a nice touch and double digit temperatures don’t hurt either. I heard Mega is already wearing his shorty…

In the business, we call this the late drop to the lua.
Aloha ego. Mahalo inconsistency and El Ray’s MS paint skills.

Banana Sundae Classic IV

Posted in Timely on September 29, 2011 by SLUDGE SODA

Colonel Sanders once famously prophesized; “on sunday, the 25th of September, 2011, on the island of mouriel, on the roaring, sludge infested rio del laurent there will be a show. this show will be cordoned off to all but a lucky few who
will not succumb to the modern traffic apocalypse known as…the sunday marathon. for it is not a day to run, firstly. and secondly, it is the day where paying volunteers will showcase their river dance talents for a suprise cast of opinionated and seasoned sludge swillers. and there will be surfing. and there will be risk and reward. and there will be carnage. and there will appear a bucket of chicken in the 13th hour to accompany the show.” And the beer descended.

the wildcard left before his acceptance to the main event

now it isn’t everyday the pont bridge JC is closed and you are somehow re-routed along Ontario past two long-legged trannies hitch hiking and one lone shark cruising the next block. the last one was quite portly, but The Colonel didn’t
prophesize that and it was interpreted as a thumbs up to wave quality.

Smooth Operator

barring the extreme possibility that we’d somehow misunderstood The Colonel’s somewhat long-winded, Kentucky drawl of a
spiel and be forced to eat off the fat of the land, we brought a small camping stove to heat Bajan hot wings and a batch of Jiffy Pop. And the beer descended.

The layback king

points eh, well. we have a points system for girls on the bike paths, but not a bloody chance we can rate surfers. criteria eh. well. those who stepped out of their shadow were as often rewarded with whiplash inducing rail hangups as they were with brilliant flashes of speed and Curren-esque carves. “EVERY DAY SHOULD GO THIS WAY” says mad caps. And the beer descended.


The first round drew the first highly controversial judging decision…three way tie for best hair: Alberto, Oz and Thien
left the competition thin. but that wasn’t the last we’d be hearing from the wizard. And the beer descended.

Get the hair - Get the moves - Sho Nuff

Slow down. We should really kick off with the Heartbreakers takeover of the main stage. From the beginning there were 5:
Lola and Pascale even opting to paddle on one occasion. And there was Alicia who actually placed 3rd but was rewarded 4th
because of a case of misidentification caused by the judges consumation of lime tainted light beer. Andreanne absolutely
blazed the wave – top to bottom, side to side, reaching unseen speeds all the while. But, the only opponent she couldn’t
hold off was the new Queen of Destruction, Chantale. It was a combination of rail gouges and flowing bottom turns that
propelled her to the top of the podium. congratulations, it helped the beer descend.

back to the men’s side and it’s difficult to proceed without mentioning the REAL grom of the year, Nick. the kid is chalked full of grit – trunkin’ it september 25 is just the tip of the ice berg. we might as well just start calling him the California Kid since the last one vanished into surf shop heaven. Let’s just hope he mixes in with the right crew for his formative years.

Grom of the yizzo, obviously

the first round was long and with all that beer descending, only a few highlights stuck. like when I drag my vcr and my
television in front of my vanity mirror, to watch Parko surf as a goofy footer and all i see is Loc. yeah, that smoot. +1
for ripping on a borrowed board.


run 33 kilometers on a saturday, enjoy canard confit, with a side rib eye, truffle reduction poutine then maybe you too,
can lay it down like Greenwood. I really can’t vouch if Greenwood actually ate that meal for dinner, but I love canard
confit and once i ate a delish rib eye, truffle reduction poutine at the new oxford. i’d like to eat another. some just
call Greenwood’the surgeon’, but that’s after the beer descends.

Recipient of the Raftman award

some of my personal favorites didn’t advance past the first or second round. tough calls were made. hairy eyeballs and
looks of disappointment struck the judges from all angles. And the beer descended.

what The Colonel failed to prophesize was the gang of monkey’s that would eventually pearce the afternoon gridlock and
swing down for the banana’s. They swang from the branches and might have even been responsible for the first crack that
broke THE TREE. Nah, that was a straight hatchet job – gorillas in the mist prolly.

look closer - it's a Natti shape

when a double swing, flying porpoise as demonstrated below doesn’t get you past the semi finals, you just know the heat the other competitors are bringing. damn. and the beer descended.

Marty demonstrating the double swing flying porpoise, yew!

this story is very one-sided. We shall now read some of the consolidated heat sheet remarks from the esteemed judging
panel. Paper was more scarce than local government transparency, but we made due. and the beer still descended.

Vincent and Vincent – This was a test for the judges. Two people with the same name. We failed, but the Vinny’s brought
what they had and ideally came away with more. Where was their entourage? or at least Turtle with a spliff.
Pete – the general. Never got into his rock n roll. left like a mundaka screamer.
Pat B not Brun – the second test of names. there aren’t many good sports left in the sport of surfing – next year we want
you to follow suit with a display of board punching, rock throwing, spit flying anger towards the judges – it will keep
everyone on their toes.
Raoul – laybacks as nice as his teeth! waiting for him to explore the rest of the wave.
Alberto – hella new swagger in week’s past, but didn’t bring the thunder this domingo. que pasa?
Benny B de France – nighthawk sesh master! on to some new thangs.
Seb – shoulda rocked the twinny. diggin the scene with a gangsta lean.
Thien – is it 2008? big moves from this undercover bruddah!
Nico – surfer slash model not a model slash surfer. learning quick and the ride is coming together.
Nooka – hand rolled ciggies. big hair. going for it!
Jon K – looks mean, but really isn’t. all over the place like tear gas at a riot.
JP – bottom turn madness. nice style. Quebec killa.
Eric – wave presence sounds like a slayer concert. angel of death, specifically. Ninja!

Allard delivery!

Carlos – mad man. loose as a goose. hell-bent on destruction! 7,25
John – controlled agression. opening it up some. owns an Elder.
Gilles – spent 10 minutes explaining why he should have used a quad on the outside wave. moral of the story: he shoulda
used a quad. Had some nice snaps in the warmup, but seemed to buckle under the pressure of competition.
Hugo – is Back! goin Beserk! Daredevil, Mtl surf pioneer.
Richard – Rich the rocket. Not the last you’ll see of this charger!
Gab – Frontside attack. Un soldat. Yung blood…tons of potential…needs more hunger.


Marty – Slices a wave better than a butcher hacks a side of beef! Drink blood!!! Standing wave samurai.
Alvarro – Ice cold gangsta! Ante’d up for this one. Blah!
Freddie – THE NIGHTMARE! Root beer floater king. Too nice for competition.

In the business, we call this the root beer float

Big Wave Dave – Stalwart contender. Lady killa. Gone vert.
Igor – ice cream smooth. serves up defeats like cold drinks. +1 for shouts of passion. “see you next year putos!”


Oz – high flyer. big hacks. all groms should learn from this cat! wizard of…close but no banana.

THAT is a BIG turn - very daynoldsesque

Alex – flying like an eagle. In ‘n’ out like a Hochelaga tranny!! Cat Burglar on a board…hide your shit!

Oooooh, wasssup, BLAH!

Oli – 1st place. 3 time champ. No stone unturned. Swimmer. Destroyer. Drumsticks, wings, fries…this kid has it all!!!

almost throwin a finner

Overall the day was a smashing success and when you read “smashing” please recite with a North of London accent – it will
seem more authentic that way.

thanks to all for an exciting day of outdoors and praise the good Laird for The Colonel’s best delivered with suprise
popcorn chicken, fries, wings and a smile from Pat Brun.

winner of the "shape it you ride it, beyatch" division

Beautiful times down in the sludge.

The Colonel would be proud.

back to the futur 1 (le passé rapproché)

Posted in ery, Less Than VHS, Timely on September 1, 2011 by SLUDGE SODA

once upon a time the monkey waz still surfing ………


Posted in Timely on August 12, 2011 by SLUDGE SODA

There are many key ingredients and techniques involved in a proper brew of Sludge Soda, but one that we have yet to discuss is the ingredient-slash-technique of chimpin, i.e. amateur digital photography.

Who wants to read a bunch of ill-written posts that don’t include half-decent flix to perv on? Nobody.

Luckily, our man McGoon is our main shutter bug and he always gets his photo, no matter how wobbly his board is, AND DEFINITELY, no matter how gassed or sauced his pumpkin might be. Observe.

Don’t forget, most of these photos are snapped by McGoon while he’s riding another wave, and yet, he still has the horizon dialed in.

This kid should be working for National Geographic…he’s not even scared of bears up close!

Now, unfortuantely for McGoon, he’s stuck swillin with a bunch of half-wit souses that can barely keep a camera steady when its strapped to a tri-pod. See what I mean?

There are more things wrong with this photo than there are with the Turcot Interchange!

This one isn’t too bad, but the horizon is more tilted than the Champlain Bridge, and really, I only got lucky cuz I was machine gunning the trigger.

Sadly, McGoon is stuck with us and will have to be satisfied with taking photos of his own feet.