Archive for the diatribe Category

making friends part 1

Posted in diatribe on July 4, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Timeless advice for the imperialistically minded surf tourist.
1.       Paddle out in a group; it can be lonely taking 1ft sets on the head all by your lonesome.
2.       Paddle directly to the peak; what’s the point of falling into rotation when you are marginally more skilled than the rest?
3.       Paddle for every, single, solitary bump that crosses your radar; gotta attain your quota somehow.
4.       Back paddle others to get behind un-makeable sections; this shows your commitment to CHARGING! Bro.
5.       Talk loud amongst your group; locals should be able to learn from your subtle pillaging.



Posted in diatribe on May 26, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Why the ‘B’ word is the new ‘N’ word:

a) Generally, calling any random Joe, bro, can be interpreted as disrespectful.
b) Calling the wrong person bro elicits the same scolding reaction as calling the wrong man n____.
c) A bro assumes that all similarly dressed bro’s are receptive to being called bro.
d) Most bro’s overuse the word bro to the extent Lil Wayne overuses the word n____.
e) If the NAACP had governance over the ‘B’ word they would surely denounce its usage on the basis of respect for fellow man.
f) Most, if not all bro’s fail to realize the irony of the term bro.

The Urban Dictionary provides crystal clear bro identification tools:

1. An alpha male idiot: white, 16-35 years old, inarticulate, belligerent, talks about nothing but chicks and beer, has a rich dad that owns a dealership or construction business and constantly tells this to chicks at parties, identifies excessively with brand names, spends a female amount of money on clothes and obsesses over his appearance to a degree that is not socially acceptable for a heterosexual male.
2. Bros actually chose this name for themselves as they often refer to each other as “bro” even though they are not related. It is not uncommon for them to have spiked hair with frosted tips.
3. Bros ruin everything they touch. They are deeply racist, yet vulture-ize black culture with attempts to be “down”, while living as far from any ghetto as humanly possible. It’s because they seek danger, or the illusion of it.
4. Bros enjoy the presence of attractive women, but are also content with simply “broing out”.
5. Bro footwear comprises mostly of sperry topsiders, flip flops, and asics runners.
6. Bros are knowledgeable about most spectator sports and attend sporting events regularly.

There you have it; more show than your local yayo man, less class than a politician and a societal disease unraveling across the world. Tread tepidly, bros are everywhere! Bro.

Tuition Hike & The Student Strike

Posted in diatribe on April 17, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

In this installment of SS reads to digital newspaper, we choose to fling poop with anonymous internet commenter’s on the issue of tuition hikes. Although, the current heat is on Quebec tuition hikes, the debate is universal.

The following are actual comments people made on a CBC news article. Red ink is the editor’s reply.

”This is pathetic. Give Quebec to the Indians. Problem solved.” I’m confused. Which Indians are we talking about here? The one’s who were slaughtered or assimilated, then herded into the cultural genocide of the residential school system? Are they striking over tuition levels as well?

“This is mainly the french students since the english universities and CEGEP’s are all running fine.” Oh yes, introduce a cultural difference into the debate – this technique also works great if you introduce race and gender…

“Merit and working your way up has no meaning to them.” Pure slave rhetoric. NEXT!!!

“Poor Muclair, poor NDP, poor Canada if this is the type of entitlement neurosis that has seized Quebec.” Put down your psychology textbook and step into the real world, you trust-funded hack.

“Sadly, they will be forced, when they “graduate”, to seek government subsidies by joining the Bloc.” Nice wordplay, 7/10 for creativity.

“OMG! So they refuse to go to class? I hope they all get a F then.” Ya know what deep thinker, the last one to the playground is a rotten egg.

“To Quebec youth: Nobody likes whiners. GTFO. Whiners never prosper. This is not a principled fight. Its just a bunch of whiners.” Stick to your guns, it’s all you’ve got.

“Bunch of far left moonbats. Just wait until they join the real world.” Is the real world where uneducated adults are up to their eyes in debt they will never pay off, but slavishly pay the interest every month, so their overconsumption can continue?

“Maybe those that are protesting these increases should be kicked out.” Maybe you should shut your mouth right now, small pieces of shit are crusted to your upper lip. It’s gross.

“The new NDP Dippers in Quebec will be right behind this strike. Anything to screw up the country.” I know this guy drinks coffee at Tim Horton’s every day, just to fulfill his patriot duty.

“Spend less money on beer or those famous Montreal strip clubs, and you’ll be fine. Most of us wouldn’t even let our parents pay our tuition, let alone all the other taxpayers. And for goodness sake, stop comparing yourselves to legitimate protesters protesting legitimate issues.” Legitimate – conforming to law or to rules.

“Lock them out and send them home. Send home anyone who is not working. Lock up any remaining nimrods. Move on.” “Monday burn Millay, Wednesday Whitman, Friday Faulkner, burn ’em to ashes, then burn the ashes. That’s our slogan.” Fahrenheit 451

“Poor muffins, get a grip. Quebec’ers seems to have one weird view of the world. Maybe they should move to France and see what it’s like.” When was the last time you left grandma’s basement for some fucking cheeto’s?

“harper do us all a favor and give quebec back to france” Hmm, a point worth considering…but do you still call all Quebecer’s “pepsi’s”?

There were of course, some voices of reason, at the very, very end of the comment section:

“we will only be free from the confines of socialism when all students are equally in debt. and as for all those other ridiculous benefits like access to education being a foundation of a healthier, more politically engaged populace with greater life satisfaction and a tendency to be more involved with their families and communities, who needs it?

“For many years government policy has been taking money out of education to pay for healthcare. Yet we have a skilled labor shortage and we are trying to tweak our immigration system to address the problem. These are facts not opinions.”

“Gazebos, F35s, useless wars, fake lakes & Rob Ford’s transportation flip-flops are getting so expensive… BLAME QUEBECKERS! They fight for accessible education. What a shame.

“If you look at history, when governments keep people ignorant or reduce access to proper education it is a sign that governments want submissive-dependent people.”

I don’t go to school, have no student loan debt and could give two shits if school in Quebec is the cheapest of all the provinces, but historically speaking, once a government gains control of a pricing system, logic, reason and sustainability go straight out the fucking door.

Jim Beam Econ

Posted in diatribe on March 26, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Here, we introduce a key player in the consumerism game: the short term, vulture capitalist, culture milking, small business.

The shop was still closed at 10:30am on a Saturday, with no posted hours, so I returned at 12:30 to try my luck.
“Sorry sir, we don’t have an extra tubes to sell.”
-what the fuck does that mean?
-the anodized chains, throwback jerseys and hideous bars and tape displayed made my stomach weak.
-it didn’t even smell like a bike shop.
-ok, I will just visit a bike store that sells such foreign things.
So, I wheeled the Pacer around in search of another shop.
Success, the other shop sold tubes!
Installed in a jiffy with a butter knife in place of a tyre iron.
Regrettably, I returned to the original shop to see if I could hustle some air.
“no, you can’t use our floor pump, but we have a compressor outside you can use.”
“do you happen to have a presta adapter?”
“yes, but it will cost you $2.50 and you get to keep it!”
“oh, I already have one at my apartment, I suppose I’ll walk back and get it.”
Eyes rolled and an absurd laugh came out.
Shop douche #1 didn’t budge.
And so, I ran home, grabbed my adapter and returned to the shop.
Slowly filling the tubes, watching for bulges, shop douche #2 opens the side door.
“Ugh, sir, can you please hurry up, when the compressor runs, it disturbs the clientele.”
-I grasped for an English translation of his statement.
-look, bro, can I call you bro, we only offer this precious air to people who ride fixies. tips his latte. your speed racer thing has gears and that is so uncool when hamming it up amongst my crew and I who have been riding since yesterday. if you took the water bottle cage off, installed some purple deep v’s, we can talk, but you don’t even have a freshly cut, full sleeve tattoo, your swagger has no game? I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. my friends and I are gonna laugh at your
lack of street cred while we drink PBR’s this evening.

You really have to admire the small business; Unless they possess a shitload of capital upon startup, they are already bent
over, cheeks spread wide when securing a bank loan. Rental terms are often unreasonable due to the high volatility associated with small business. And they base their bottom line on following a trend within an already booming local cycle business.

To their defence, the amount of pot holes on the streets these days do warrant the occassional skid.

“Fuck them and all that they love.” E. Wu

I assume they’re are open on Sunday’s – no REAL bike shop is open on Sunday.

Friends don’t let friends buy their first ever fixid gear bicycle between 2006 and 2012.

Methinks the landlords would agree.

“I’m the Best, Yes”

Posted in diatribe on January 21, 2012 by SLUDGE SODA

Watch The Throne – A Review

The thing most people don’t realize about Jay Z is that he is the bastard child of a conservative Ronald Reagan and Oprah Winfrey romp. That particular heritage is extremely evident when you look at his neo liberal economic theories and unwavering commercial tendencies: Rich white dudes idolize Rolex – So does Jay Z. Pro consumers lacking taste buds idolize Grey Goose and Patron – So does Jay Z. Without exception, Jay Z has a bigger car than you and the model is also trendier. Fuck you. Without exception Jay Z wore Tims before you did, then stopped wearing them before you did, then started rocking them again before their style came ‘round again. Fuck you. Yawn.

And like Yellowman confirms “if you have a rooster, you must have a hen.” And by hen I refer to that ‘Ye clown, Kanye West for those fortunately not in the know, where do you get off? Secondly, where do you get off? And finally, where the fuck do you get off? Innumerable lyrical rip offs from both contemporary and historically gifted songwriters and rappers ranging from Bob Dylan, Etta James, Tony Starks and others I probably haven’t figured out yet. Since he is not technically a rapper, biting seems not a bother to his fragile ego. His original lyrics are somewhat moving:

Exhibit A (alienating the only people that actually BUY his music (and credibility)):  “LOLOLOL white America, assassinate my character, money matrimony, they tryna break the marriage up.”

Exhibit B: “they say I’m crazy, well, I’m ‘bout to go dumb again, they ain’t see me cuz I pulled up in my other Benz, last week I was in my other other Benz.”

Nas put it best when he demanded [to Jay Z] “how much of Biggie’s rhymes is gonna come out your fat lips?” Good question. Anyone else notice Jay Z’s lips have shrunk in recent years. Most people be getting collagen implants to puff up those lips like Angelina, but Jay Z is downgrading. Perhaps he is a trend setter and we’ll be all teeth by 2013?

And now I have to get serious here. What is it with all the headphone difficulties between these two? In at least 14-37 instances, we hear assclown A or B yapping at the producer “yo, turn my headphones up.” Cripes, I got a pair of $15 jobbies from Best Buy and they work fine, plus, I know where the volume knob is. Simpletons.

All in all, the album is the equivalent of listening to your neighbours scronk through paper thin walls; Once you start listening it’s difficult to stop, but if you didn’t hear it you wouldn’t miss it. I recommend Otis and Gotta Have It for a commercial superficial wealth Hip Pop sample of 2011 and the rest of garbage can be drowned in the St Laurence.

They call this hip hop? Read a book. On to the next one.

You can’t fly like an eagle if you hang with turkeys!!

Posted in Current Events Class, Dark Chamber, diatribe on September 2, 2011 by SLUDGE SODA

Surfing is hard…even when it’s easy. That being said, if you wanna improve, you have to approach it with an open mind, and, more importantly, you have to start surfing with cats that are better than you and that are willing to pass some of their knowledge along to you.  Easier said than done. Surfing, like kung fu, is replete with charlatans. Choose your sparring partners wisely.

Luckily for me, I’ve managed to link up with a few righteous kings who were more than willing to share and share alike. A couple that stand out…Joe Louis, Mount Real surf pioneer extraordinaire and down’n’dirty Texas creeper, was the first to show me how not to get bet burnt on Chinese soup. I passed that little tip on to, and only to, that party animal we all know as…McGoon (pictured above). Little did I know that that would be one of the few lessons I had for him.

Luckily for me…indeed. Joe Louis and McGoon are like the Fischer and Kasparov of surfing. Meaning…they’ve got life by the hangin brain and are always a few steps ahead of everyone else.  At this point, I’m just trying to keep up.  My point in all of this is…there is no point, just like there is no spoon.